By Jasmine Phillips
Most people have memories of getting the talk. Yes, the talk about S-E-X. Now how this talk happened and what was included can differ greatly. Being Black, queer, and growing up in the Bible Belt, conversations about sex were the definition of “hush hush.” To learn about sex, you had to turn to your friends—which meant conversations were mostly heteronormative and filled with misinformation.
My sex education in school—facilitated by my gym teacher—made two things very clear: sex was defined by penetration and should be for procreation only. There was absolutely no talk of pleasure as it relates to sex—pleasure wasn’t something I truly learned about until I had partners. Now, I believe it’s incredibly important to talk about pleasure with your partner. But talking to a partner about their sexual likes and dislikes can be challenging, especially if one (or both) of you has a lack of experience with pleasuring.
On the surface, the questions to be asked are simple: how can I pleasure you? What can I do to help you orgasm? But as queer people—and particularly as queer, Black people—our conversations are often deeper, more complicated. These very personal conversations, as well as sexual contact, can often bring up feelings of shame and trauma.
With Valentine’s Day upon us, these conversations can often get swept under the rug—overshadowed by the teddy bears, candy, and jewelry. While these material things can bring temporary pleasure, the trust and sense of safety built by being vulnerable and having open and honest conversations with your partner is what allows for true bliss. These aren’t topics you should discuss just one day a year, either. Pleasure should be a right all year long.
My goal as a sexual educator is to not only teach others about sex (in a comprehensive and inclusive way), but to coach future generations of Black queer folks on how to facilitate conversations around pleasure. As a community, we deserve pleasure—so let’s talk about how to get it.
