By Dr. Laura McGuire
“I like your main profile picture, but how about using the one with you in the jumper instead? I think it gives a better depiction of your personality and style.”
It’s a Saturday and I’m helping my ex-girlfriend with her online dating profile. Earlier that day, we’d discussed the character qualities we’re both looking for in a future partner, and now I’m giving her tips on her search for her basherte (Yiddish for “soulmate”).
Queer women are famous for staying friends for life. Our exes are often our besties, business partners, and extended family. While straight people debate if exes can ever stay friends, queer women have made it a cultural norm. I loved you once as my lover and forever as my friend—even if we aren’t a match for lifelong romantic entanglement, I still want to be around you because I enjoy and value our connection. It seems pretty simple in the dyke universe.
Of course, there are exceptions, and sometimes what breaks us apart is what keeps us from staying in touch. I only have one ex-girlfriend that I am close to, though I am on pleasant enough terms with most of the others. For the majority of my queer female friends, this is something we cherish—the fact that a romance ending does not mean someone is erased from our lives forever.
As time passes and our relationship evolves, we’ll be there for each other as new loves enter and exit our lives. My ex is my best friend—we start each day by texting each other and sharing our intentions for the day ahead. We close the day by discussing something for which we are grateful. In the six years since we stopped dating, she’s seen my hopes rise and my heart be broken by other loves. She knows me so well, and I her, and in that knowing, we have come to a very clear understanding in regard to what we can be for each other and what is never going to be a right fit. We will never be a couple again, but after so long, there is no more mourning—we have since evolved into this place, a place where we can help each other find the right person.
Who knows your strengths and weaknesses better than a former romantic partner? Who better to remind us of what we think we can live with and what hard truths we must face about ourselves than someone who has known us so intimately? I asked my ex, Cora, some of her thoughts on this experience.
Laura McGuire: What are some of the benefits of having your ex remain your friend?
Cora: My ex being my friend really adds value and richness to my life. I love how our relationship has transformed over the years—in how we are learning and growing from one another, in our hardships and triumphs. We have consistently been there as a bridge of support, as we begin each day with an intention and end the day with a moment of gratitude. It is a daily ritual that has brought us peace in our toughest hours and an anchor of friendship, of unconditional love, and of acceptance.
How is it beneficial to have an ex help you with future relationships?
By opening up and growing with you, I’ve been able to create a strong and emotional companionship. This journey has allowed me to transform as an individual and to form a healthy framework for my next romantic interest. Our friendship is a doorway to learning how to be in a loving relationship with another person—we develop skills of listening, empathy, understanding, and the ability to work through things together. All of this will assist us in finding the romantic partnership we desire.
What advice do you have for other queer women who want to stay friends with their exes and support them in their future relationships?
The advice I would give is to be open to seeing your relationship with your ex in a new light—one of sharing and caring for each other without any form of attachment. It is a great opportunity to keep the channels open when the romantic part ends—it will deepen the friendship and ripen more fully. Also, having an open heart—open to both giving and receiving—allows both parties to find a balance and friendship that will stay strong for years to come.
I am grateful that Cora and I met and have had the opportunity to watch each other grow over the years. We both learned so many things from our relationship about who we are and what we need in a partnership. Instead of jealousy or discomfort, we feel joy at helping each other find our true match—and someday attending each other’s weddings, knowing how blessed our future partners will be. This is a gift I hope everyone can be open to embracing. After all, to love is not to pick a flower, but to water it and let it grow.
