By Ainsley Lawrence
It can be difficult to truly assess the queer-friendliness of a town before living there. When looking for a place to call home, you want to feel safe and allowed to express all parts of yourself without judgment. Ideally, you want to find a space that embraces diversity, understanding, and acceptance.
Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to find queer-affirming spaces in the United States, even in historic southern neighborhoods and rural areas. Here, we explore how to find a community that can be your safe haven while taking into consideration the unique LGBTQIA+ experience and the resilience it often takes to navigate housing options in the American South.
The Importance of Feeling Safe at Home as a Queer Person
A home should be a sanctuary where you can be your most authentic self. It’s damaging to live in fear for your safety or feel discriminated against in your community—you can’t express your identity fully, love openly, and simply exist in your truest form. This can be detrimental not only to your mental health but the advancement of queer-affirming practices and acceptance at large.
Feelings of safety are fundamental to your well-being. Certain traumas can make you susceptible to feeling unsafe, particularly in triggering environments. You may be confident in your ability to cope or brush your safety aside. While it’s great to have self-confidence and resilience, it’s also important to recognize the signs of feeling or being unsafe, such as:
- Hypervigilance
- Excessive sweating
- Rapid heartbeat
- Increased anxiety
- Depression
- Complex PTSD responses
- Overwhelm
- Feeling rejected
- Feelings of dread
There are long-term implications of these symptoms, including mental health disorders like chronic depression. Your daily functions can be disrupted, making it difficult to move about the world confidently. This can trickle into all areas of your life and affect your career, relationships, and physical health. Acknowledging that your safety is a priority is the first step to fostering a healthy life in a queer home.
Housing Challenges for the LGBTQIA+ Population
“Unsafe” can mean many things in the context of queer housing. You may feel unsafe in the ways mentioned above, and this can be due to a lack of support from—or even hostile interactions with—the people in the community. “Unsafe” can also be taken in a more literal sense—a situation in which you fear for your life. This can mean you are in danger of physical harm. It can also mean that you are worried about potential negative impacts on your livelihood, like not being able to find a well-paying career or suitable home because of discriminatory practices.
LGBTQIA+ housing instability permeates, even with laws in place to prevent discrimination. Fewer queer individuals own a home than their heterosexual counterparts. And around 40 percent of unhoused youth identify as LGBTQIA+. This points to a fundamental issue in the housing system for queer people and the societal factors that contribute.
Beyond housing discrimination, the queer community grapples with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse that forces LGBTQIA+ people to leave home or live in unstable conditions. The mental health ramifications of these conditions can further complicate housing challenges. Further, economic disparities, unfortunately, leave queer individuals with less money to support their search for safe housing. Rejection from family and friends can also lead to instability and unsafe situations when looking for alternative living arrangements under duress.
Coping with a Lack of Acceptance
Not feeling accepted by your family, friend group, or community can lead to mental health issues and negative consequences that arise out of necessity or desperation. While it would be ideal for no one to discriminate against the queer community, it’s helpful to find ways to cope and self-preserve. Even if you aren’t necessarily experiencing extreme abuse or discriminatory practices, it’s still worthwhile to invest in your safety. Try some of the following coping mechanisms to feel safer:
- Practice positive affirmations.
- Recall times when you felt the safest, either mentally or physically.
- Self-soothe.
- Find a support system.
Beyond internal work, it’s important to advocate for yourself. It’s no longer enough to be “tolerated.” Friends, family, professional networks, acquaintances, and strangers can largely contribute to feelings of danger. It’s important to advocate for yourself in these situations and work to find communities with ample LGBTQIA+ resources and open arms.
Identifying Supportive Communities
Before choosing a community to call your home, do some research into its support for queer residents. Here are some tips for doing so:
- Search online forums, LGBTQIA+ organizations, queer blogs, and social media groups for advice on specific areas.
- Check local laws for fair housing and protection against discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity.
- Look into rental listings, co-housing arrangements, and roommate opportunities, conducting thorough research by cross-checking individuals and reading organization reviews.
- Check the walkability score to evaluate safety, as well as the local crime rate—even going so far as to check news reports for hate crimes in the area.
- Connect with locals to get the inside scoop on community safety and housing recommendations.
- Tap into LGBTQIA+ housing networks, like those for queer retirement or short-term queer-friendly rentals.
- As possible, visit the potential community beforehand to attend events or check out queer-friendly spots that you’ve read about online.
The South, in particular, poses extra challenges when trying to find a safe home when you identify as LGBTQIA+. You can look at recently passed bills to get an idea of the local laws and how they may affect you. For example, Florida passed a bill that prevents Pre-K–8 educators from discussing gender identity or sexual orientation in the classroom—also known as the “Don’t Say Gay” law. As of 2023, more than 520 bills with anti-LGBTQIA+ initiatives have been introduced, so finding a safe community can be challenging.
Luckily, there are forward-thinking groups that advocate for LGBTQIA+ communities in the South, such as the Campaign for Southern Equality. These organizations can be instrumental if you choose to live in the South as a queer resident, allowing you to feel supported and involved in bettering the community. Bigger cities like New Orleans, Atlanta, and Asheville are more likely to be liberal and accepting, so keep that in mind in your search.
Keeping Safe During the Move
It’s quite possible you will find yourself needing to make a regional or cross-country move to find a safe and inclusive home. Preparing beforehand with the aforementioned tips, even if you can’t visit in person, is important to make sure you are making the right choice for your lifestyle. Get as connected as you can to the community before the move to ensure a smooth process, working with local movers and organizations that can help make your transition stress-free.
It’s crucial to prioritize your safety even during the move, especially if it’s a long one. You may also be staying in temporary housing while home-hunting, so you’ll need to keep your valuables safe. Pick a storage unit to ensure your safety and the safety of your valuables while you navigate new territory and aren’t fully aware of who you will run into along the way. While you should be able to feel safe traveling, LGBTQIA+ individuals unfortunately have to remain more vigilant.
Dealing with Housing Discrimination
During the housing search, take note of any practices that may be discriminatory. Some passive signs to look out for include a seller taking a lower offer instead of yours, rejecting your offer without reason, or abandoning contact when they learn of your gender identity or sexual orientation. Discrimination can be discreet or outright, but you have legal protections against this type of behavior. Understand your rights under the Fair Housing Act as a homeowner or renter, and you’ll be able to better defend yourself against housing discrimination.
Further, remember that feeling angry, sad, and rejected is a normal response to discrimination. Don’t be afraid to reach out to support groups or professional therapists for help coping during this time.
Getting Involved with the Community
Hopefully, you will find an accepting community that helps you transcend barriers. It may be rewarding for you to get involved in the local LGBTQIA+ community. Nonprofits and organizations with a queer focus often hold local events. Put yourself out there and give back to a community that accepted you as a new, vibrant, authentic resident.
