By Dr. Laura McGuire
The birds and the bees. Life and death. Why do we exist? Bringing up tough conversations with kids is always a large task. The question is not only how to address these things but when. As queer parents and allies, we may hear conflicting messages on when and how to bring up queerness. From gender identity and expression to sexual orientation, there are many schools of thought on the age-appropriateness of these socially divisive topics.
Recently, actor and TV host Mario Lopez made news when he brought the topic of talking to kids about gender identity stating, “Look, I’m never one to tell anyone how to parent their kids obviously, and I think if you come from a place of love, you really can’t go wrong. But at the same time, my God, if you’re three years old and you’re saying you’re feeling a certain way or you think you’re a boy or a girl or whatever the case may be, I just think it’s dangerous as a parent to make this determination then, well, okay, then you’re going to a boy or a girl, whatever the case may be…It’s sort of alarming and my gosh, I just think about the repercussions later on.” He then merged gender identity with sexual orientation, saying, “When you’re a kid…you don’t know anything about sexuality yet. You’re just a kid.”
Mario isn’t the only person who shares these sentiments. When I speak around the country, I regularly get asked the question of when should kids hear about queer identities. After I tell the audience that there is no minimum age and the sooner you, appropriately, normalize queer diversity the better, many people shake their heads in confusion. The reason is that, even for those who think they are allies or that they are “okay with gay people,” they may still harbor internalized hetero– and cis–normative narratives that cause them to believe that exposing kids to queerness is exposing them to deviance. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The reality is that children are exposed to sexuality and gender identity from birth—though often only to heterosexual and cisgender identities. Without having to know anything about sexual intimacy, they understand couples and families. If only exposed to straight couples, a child will automatically think heterosexuality to be their only future option for love and connection. Children also know about gender identity from toddlerhood. They understand that society assigns gender and what they are told about each gender’s roles and preferences. As parents, we decide if we include a gender expansive framework into what they are already observing, or if we stick to the rigidity of the binary.
Here are some key things to keep in mind when talking to the children in your life about queerness:
Queerness isn’t sex
One of the main hesitations around talking to young children about queer identity is the concern that it will require a discussion about sex that is beyond the child’s years. This is completely untrue and part of the hypersexualization of queer people. Queer identities are about intrapersonal awareness, knowing one’s self, and interpersonal connection. As children begin adolescence and start to learn about sexuality, making sure to discuss sex outside of heterosexual dynamics is important, but the conversation does not need to touch on sex unless the topic is specifically being addressed.
Queer people start out as queer kids
Another falsehood that is often spread around talking to kids about queerness revolves around the notion that, if they are exposed to too many options, they will be confused—as if queerness was transmitted through information and exposure. Queer people all started out as queer kids. A queer child is already wondering why they feel different; by discussing the many identities and expressions that make up the human identity tapestry, you are empowering them to feel comfortable in who they already are.
Talking about queerness is natural, normal, and promotes inclusion
Whether a child is queer or not, discussing diversity promotes a sense of belonging, tolerance, and inclusion that is good for everyone. By letting children know that gender is expansive and that everyone can love anyone their heart chooses, children see that people are beautiful bouquets of feelings, cultures, and experiences.
The more we normalize queerness, from birth on, the better for everyone and society at large.
