Editor’s note: This is an installment of Transouthern Youth, a Spectrum South original series spotlighting transgender youth across the South.
By Megan Smith
One thousand miles—that’s how far Nicholas Hooten journeyed to find his identity. Three years ago, the now 18-year-old genderqueer college student left his childhood home in Indianapolis to plant new roots on southern soil, deep within the Sunshine State. The move, Hooten says, felt like a homecoming. “Indiana is such a small state, everyone knows everyone there,” he explains. “I wasn’t out while I was there, and then I moved [to Orlando] and met so many different queer friends. It was an insane experience.”
“I wasn’t really exposed to any queer things when I was younger,” Hooten, who is the oldest of seven, adds. “When I first moved here, I was just figuring out my identity. It was really scary starting a whole new me, one that I’m comfortable with. I couldn’t say that I was all the way male, and I couldn’t say I was exactly female, either. So, I first started identifying as non-binary.”
The final piece to Hooten’s identity puzzle, however, was revealed in a Tedx Talk by genderqueer YouTuber Chella Man. “He explained what it meant to be genderqueer, the different feelings that went into that, and I was like, ‘Wow, I relate to a lot of this,’” Hooten shares. “I started watching more of his videos, as well as some videos of others who were genderqueer, and I adapted that term for myself. It was really tricky to figure out, but genderqueer is what fits best for me.”
But language was not the only hurdle Hooten faced in terms of identity formation. Despite feeling comfortable with his genderqueer label, Hooten says he grappled with internalized gender roles, expectations, and toxic masculinity. “Growing up, my parents were adamant about me being very feminine, so I was always very feminine in everything that I did and everything that I wore,” he says. “And then, once I discovered my trans identity, I actually forced myself to be more masculine than I was comfortable with. That made me toxic toward myself and very critical of myself. Then, I realized that I can identify however I want, I can present however I want, and that doesn’t take away from my gender at all. So, it’s definitely something that I want other people to realize as well. If someone identifies as male, they can wear whatever they want and can present in any way that makes them comfortable.”
“I realized that I can identify however I want, I can present however I want, and that doesn’t take away from my gender at all.” -Nicholas Hooten
While that concept was more easily grasped by his friends and teachers, Hooten’s parents struggled with the declaration of his newfound genderqueer identity. “It was sort of a struggle with my pronouns [at first], but then my friends quickly latched onto them,” he says. “My teachers were really helpful as well—there were no problems there. But it was definitely hard for my parents at first, because they didn’t understand a lot of things. There was a lot that I had to explain and make them understand, and it’s been a journey—a journey finding myself and learning what I wanted to identify as, coming out to my parents and my friends and family members, and just being able to be myself without feeling ashamed or feeling like I’ve betrayed them in a way. There was definitely a time when I thought things were never going to get better, that they would never understand, but now, looking back, I’ve grown so much since then. It’s been three years, but we’re at a very good place right now. My mom is my closest ally. Two days ago, I went in for my first testosterone appointment and she was my biggest supporter, so that was amazing. I’m really happy.”
Hooten has made it an effort to share his self-love, self-acceptance, and self-confidence with others who may be struggling with their trans identities on Instagram. “I didn’t really [previously see] a lot of visible trans people of color [represented on Instagram],” says Hooten, whose posts are also defined by an artistic flair that stems from his passion for photography. “I think it’s important for trans people to see someone who looks like them, to identify with someone who looks like them. It makes you feel like you’re not alone. I like to be out for those who can’t be. I’ll get messages like, ‘Thank you for sharing this post. I don’t feel so alone now.’ It just makes my day to see messages like that.”
Creating trans visibility on Instagram is just the beginning for Hooten. He is currently studying psychology at the Seminole State College of Florida, with the goal of becoming a mental health counselor for LGBTQ youth and young adults. Hooten also hopes to participate in face-to-face panels to share his story with others in the queer and trans communities in the future. “I want to be able to talk to other trans kids and LGBTQ kids about my journey, because I’ve been through a lot,” he says. “My story is important, and I feel like a lot of other people can relate to it.”
Keep up with Nicholas Hooten on Instagram at @nicholas.hooten.
